No man is an island or so they say. No one can function without the love or attention from our family and friends. Even a small gesture from strangers here and there is part of the cycle that it is life and contribute to your evolution.
Heck, I just learn that my new friend’s husband works at the winery that makes my favorite wine! Little did I know that I’ve been helping support this new friend and her husband one wine at a time!! You just never know how your most simple actions are affecting someone!
One hand washes the other
What you do today will affect people across the globe. Call it butterfly effect or call it whatever you like. The reality is, we need all the help we can get. And that requires us to surround ourselves with people. Good people.
Yes, we learn a lot when dealing with difficult people but we still need to be surrounded with good people.
We are not an Island but why not take a “vacation” for ourselves?
There are times when isolation is the best possible thing you can do to yourself and others. A time to concentrate and get to know “the real you”. Or a time to heal your soul and recover the energy that has been sucked from your life.
We isolate ourselves during illness or during hard times where the thought of giving one ounce of energy (or attention) to others would deplete any spec of whatever is left of you. There is nothing wrong with that. At all.
We must find balance when it comes to how much we “give” ourselves to others
Because I never quite belonged to one place (long story) I have learned to handle a distant relationship with friends and family. When I moved to the U.S. I left many friends behind. Some I kept up with and others I lost track. But they still live in the back of my mind and I always wish I could see them again.
For most people pushing a toxic person away is an impossible task. Either because they lack courage or are simply too polite to do it. Even if those people are absolutely toxic for you.
Know the difference between being a good friend and a doormat! A toxic person doesn’t!
We all have or had that one friend who is always in crisis. The one we all dropped everything we were doing to “accommodate” that friend. Or we went out of our way to console, wipe tears, hug or even spend hours and hours listening to that person’s drama. That is the definition of a “toxic person”.
While it is honorable to always be a good friend, at a certain point you need to stop and think about: “why are you always in this situation?” “Why isn’t someone else taking care of that person?”
Did you notice how many of that person’s friends “scatter” when the drama begins? Why is that?
Well, you think: “I’m just being a good friend!” And you think that for years and years. Until you wake up one day and you notice that you just spent 1 hour of your time, right around dinner time listening to that person.
After you worked hard all day and you were hoping to sit down and eat and that phone rings: Everyday. Around the same time. And the story? Same as yesterday.
How do you know it’s the same again and again?
Because you start making a mental list of all the things you talked about already. Same as yesterday. And the day before and the year before. 5 years before.
“I know things are going to change, I can feel it” that person says. Today. Yesterday. Last year. 5 years ago. The toxic person is stuck in a loop!
So for a person used to helping others and whose profession is also helping others, there came a time I had to say “enough”.
What I noticed from that particular person is that she was afraid to succeed! Years gone by telling me the same goals and never realizing them.
Some were very simple and easy to accomplish. Others a little more difficult. All of them doable if she put her mind to it. I even offered to partner with that person and still she could not make herself do that either.
you’re going to say: Everyone has their own life and their own mission.
Understood. What I don’t need is to spend hours, years even listening to the same list of goals and dreams, and the person still lives in the same house, same job, same everything.
So I came to the conclusion, after years of dealing with that toxic person that it was time to go. She didn’t need me. And I sure didn’t need her!
Better yet, by “jumping ship” I was probably helping her! I don’t know. I haven’t talked to that person since, and it appears that nothing changed from what I hear from other people who know her.
The point of all this is: Yes, you are supposed to be a good friend and be there for other people. But if the relationship becomes toxic it’s time to go!
It’s not necessary to have an argument with that toxic person
You can certainly and gradually pull away. But I am from the school of just “pulling the bandaid”. So yank it! Right now!
If the world is about energy and having people around you is the “exchange” of energy, you do not need bad energy in your life. Life is tough as it is!
Imagine that all your friends are a colorful garden and as you look at each one of them, there is always a feeling of “goodness”.
You best friend is a good listener. Your friend from high school makes you laugh. Your church friend brings you peace. They all contribute to your life.
In exchange, I’m certain they get something good from you.
Or they would not be your friends. Whatever that “good” is, they love it and need it. But this is an even exchange. This is how it should be.
But imagine that in your garden someone is “eating” your leaves. You regrow them by spending time doing “the good” that you do. But then when that toxic person approaches, there go your leaves again. There is no exchange. Just destruction.
Even if it’s just a nibble each time. You don’t even notice.
The years go by and you’re still trying to give that person “your good” and that person takes your good but there is no return. Never.
The reality is, that lack of exchange is what a relationship with a “toxic person” is
You can’t afford to “sustain” that person. You cannot afford to lose other friends and not be part of the “good” because you have to “rescue” that person. It’s time to go. You need “the good”. We ALL need “the good”
So look into your soul and your friends and family and make a mental list of those that are so toxic that you need to just walk away.
Don’t be afraid to yank the bandaid. Don’t be afraid to say no to that toxic person.
No! I can’t.
No, I won’t.
Why? “Because I don’t want to!”
“Say it! Out loud!”
Relish in the fact that as you are purging the “extra” physical things that you need to get rid of, know that “material things” will never hurt you (unless of course we are talking about a hoarding situation) toxic people will.
Sure, you can get rid of all the kid’s toys that are just cluttering the house. But your “mental clutter” is draining and consuming.
The kids toys can always go in a box. “Out of sight, out of mind”. But that person, who is constantly “nagging”, “bragging“, and “draining” you is never away. Even when you sleep!
It’s there inside you like a hammer on an anvil. Ping! Ping! Ping! That can never be put away.
Unless you finally realize that it’s time. That this toxic person doesn’t have a grip on you anymore.
It’s liberating! Oh, feel the breath of fresh air!
I can sit down for dinner and not be interrupted. I can have plans now, because they are not being reshuffled anymore to accommodate someone else’s needs!
If you are having second thoughts or “feel bad” about doing so, think about it this way:
-What are the things YOU dream of doing that this person has prevented you from doing?
-How many times has that person interrupted YOUR life so that she could get her “fix” from you (and I’m not talking drugs-just your presence or ears)?
If you need to write it down, then do it! Pros and cons
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Embarrassing to do that about a friend? NO! Not for a minute. Why? Because she would not have done any of those things for you.
-Would she stop eating to listen to you?
-Is that person willing to stop talking about herself to listen to you?
-Can that person drop everything she is doing to “rescue” you?
If the answer is no or I don’t know, then make that list! Read about it! (here’s a good read)
Remember: being a friend at a time of need is honorable. Being a doormat isn’t.
I never knew I was a doormat until I realized that in all those years I helped that person, she has not evolved one bit!
Not mentally, not professionally, not even her love life! What was all my help for, then?
Nothing! A total waste of time.
After purging this toxic person I feel better. I feel lighter and I have accomplished so much in just one year of not having that person around.
She was not the reason I was not accomplishing my goals, I still would have. But because I was not in “rescue” mode all the time I was able to use that time for me.
To meet new people. To be part of a network of people who share their knowledge and I am able to reciprocate with mine.
All because my energy is efficient now. My aura is balanced. My garden is blooming with colorful flowers and not one “bug” to destroy what I have built in just one year without that toxic person.
So make that list if you have to. Purge your material items but also get rid of people that clutter your soul with negativity.
Regain your positive energy so you can concentrate on the “good” in your life.
And do help people! But focus on the ones that stand to gain with your help. This is not a financial gain or one more brick in your “heavenly home”.
I’m talking about knowing that you are making a difference in someone’s life one small gesture at a time. You will know that you are when you see that person moving forward in his/her life, one way or another, positively!
All the best