get-a-toxic-person-out-of-your-life-and-de-clutter-your-soul

Get a Toxic Person Out of Your Life and De-clutter Your Soul

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No man is an island or so they say. No one can function without the love or attention from our family and friends. Even a small gesture from strangers here and there is part of the cycle that it is life and contribute to your evolution. 

Heck, I just learn that my new friend’s husband works at the winery that makes my favorite wine! Little did I know that I’ve been helping support this new friend and her husband one wine at a time!! You just never know how your most simple actions are affecting someone!

One hand washes the other

What you do today will affect people across the globe. Call it butterfly effect or call it whatever you like. The reality is, we need all the help we can get. And that requires us to surround ourselves with people. Good people.

Yes, we learn a lot when dealing with difficult people but we still need to be surrounded with good people.

toxic-people-image-of-friends

We are not an Island but why not take a “vacation” for ourselves?

There are times when isolation is the best possible thing you can do to yourself and others. A time to concentrate and get to know “the real you”. Or a time to heal your soul and recover the energy that has been sucked from your life.

We isolate ourselves during illness or during hard times where the thought of giving one ounce of energy (or attention) to others would deplete any spec of whatever is left of you. There is nothing wrong with that. At all.

We must find balance when it comes to how much we “give” ourselves to others

Because I never quite belonged to one place (long story) I have learned to handle a distant relationship with friends and family. When I moved to the U.S. I left many friends behind. Some I kept up with and others I lost track. But they still live in the back of my mind and I always wish I could see them again.

For most people pushing a toxic person away is an impossible task. Either because they lack courage or are simply too polite to do it. Even if those people are absolutely toxic for you.

Know the difference between being a good friend and a doormat! A toxic person doesn’t!

We all have or had that one friend who is always in crisis. The one we all dropped everything we were doing to “accommodate” that friend. Or we went out of our way to console, wipe tears, hug or even spend hours and hours listening to that person’s drama. That is the definition of a “toxic person”.

While it is honorable to always be a good friend, at a certain point you need to stop and think about: “why are you always in this situation?” “Why isn’t someone else taking care of that person?

Did you notice how many of that person’s friends “scatter” when the drama begins? Why is that?

Well, you think: “I’m just being a good friend!” And you think that for years and years. Until you wake up one day and you notice that you just spent 1 hour of your time, right around dinner time listening to that person.

After you worked hard all day and you were hoping to sit down and eat and that phone rings: Everyday. Around the same time. And the story? Same as yesterday.

How do you know it’s the same again and again?

Because you start making a mental list of all the things you talked about already. Same as yesterday. And the day before and the year before. 5 years before.

“I know things are going to change, I can feel it” that person says. Today. Yesterday. Last year. 5 years ago. The toxic person is stuck in a loop!

So for a person used to helping others and whose profession is also helping others, there came a time I had to say “enough”.

What I noticed from that particular person is that she was afraid to succeed! Years gone by telling me the same goals and never realizing them.

Some were very simple and easy to accomplish. Others a little more difficult. All of them doable if she put her mind to it. I even offered to partner with that person and still she could not make herself do that either.

you’re going to say: Everyone has their own life and their own mission. 

Understood. What I don’t need is to spend hours, years even listening to the same list of goals and dreams, and the person still lives in the same house, same job, same everything.

So I came to the conclusion, after years of dealing with that toxic person that it was time to go. She didn’t need me. And I sure didn’t need her!

Better yet, by “jumping shipI was probably helping her! I don’t know. I haven’t talked to that person since, and it appears that nothing changed from what I hear from other people who know her.

The point of all this is: Yes, you are supposed to be a good friend and be there for other people. But if the relationship becomes toxic it’s time to go!

It’s not necessary to have an argument with that toxic person

You can certainly and gradually pull away. But I am from the school of just “pulling the bandaid”. So yank it! Right now!

If the world is about energy and having people around you is the “exchange” of energy, you do not need bad energy in your life. Life is tough as it is!

Imagine that all your friends are a colorful garden and as you look at each one of them, there is always a feeling of “goodness”.

You best friend is a good listener. Your friend from high school makes you laugh. Your church friend brings you peace. They all contribute to your life.

In exchange, I’m certain they get something good from you.

Or they would not be your friends. Whatever that “good” is, they love it and need it. But this is an even exchange. This is how it should be.

But imagine that in your garden someone is “eating” your leaves. You regrow them by spending time doing “the good” that you do. But then when that toxic person approaches, there go your leaves again. There is no exchange. Just destruction.

Even if it’s just a nibble each time. You don’t even notice.

The years go by and you’re still trying to give that person “your good” and that person takes your good but there is no return. Never.

The reality is, that lack of exchange is what  a relationship with a “toxic person” is

You can’t afford to “sustain” that person. You cannot afford to lose other friends and not be part of the “good” because you have to “rescue” that person. It’s time to go. You need “the good”. We ALL need “the good”

So look into your soul and your friends and family and make a mental list of those that are so toxic that you need to just walk away.

Don’t be afraid to yank the bandaid. Don’t be afraid to say no to that toxic person.

No! I can’t.

No, I won’t.

Why? “Because I don’t want to!”

“Say it! Out loud!”

Relish in the fact that as you are purging the “extra” physical things that you need to get rid of, know that “material things” will never hurt you (unless of course we are talking about a hoarding situation) toxic people will.

Sure, you can get rid of all the kid’s toys that are just cluttering the house. But your “mental clutter” is draining and consuming.

The kids toys can always go in a box. “Out of sight, out of mind”. But that person, who is constantly “nagging”, “bragging“, and “draining” you is never away. Even when you sleep!

It’s there inside you like a hammer on an anvil. Ping! Ping! Ping! That can never be put away.

Unless you finally realize that it’s time. That this toxic person doesn’t have a grip on you anymore.

It’s liberating! Oh, feel the breath of fresh air!

toxic-person-image-of-flowing-curtains-in-sunset-amigas4all

I can sit down for dinner and not be interrupted. I can have plans now, because they are not being reshuffled anymore to accommodate someone else’s needs!

If you are having second thoughts or “feel bad” about doing so, think about it this way:

-What are the things YOU dream of doing that this person has prevented you from doing?
-How many times has that person interrupted YOUR life so that she could get her “fix” from you (and I’m not talking drugs-just your presence or ears)?

If you need to write it down, then do it! Pros and cons

make-a-list-pros-cons-toxic-person

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Embarrassing to do that about a friend? NO! Not for a minute. Why? Because she would not have done any of those things for you.
-Would she stop eating to listen to you?
-Is that person willing to stop talking about herself to listen to you?
-Can that person drop everything she is doing to “rescue” you?

If the answer is no or I don’t know, then make that list! Read about it! (here’s a good read)

Remember: being a friend at a time of need is honorable. Being a doormat isn’t.

I never knew I was a doormat until I realized that in all those years I helped that person, she has not evolved one bit!

Not mentally, not professionally, not even her love life! What was all my help for, then?

Nothing! A total waste of time.

After purging this toxic person I feel better. I feel lighter and I have accomplished so much in just one year of not having that person around.

She was not the reason I was not accomplishing my goals, I still would have. But because I was not in “rescue” mode all the time I was able to use that time for me.

To meet new people. To be part of a network of people who share their knowledge and I am able to reciprocate with mine.

image-of-flower-toxic-people-post-amigas4allAll because my energy is efficient now. My aura is balanced. My garden is blooming with colorful flowers and not one “bug” to destroy what I have built in just one year without that toxic person.

So make that list if you have to. Purge your material items but also get rid of people that clutter your soul with negativity.

Regain your positive energy so you can concentrate on the “good” in your life.

And do help people! But focus on the ones that stand to gain with your help. This is not a financial gain or one more brick in your “heavenly home”.

I’m talking about knowing that you are making a difference in someone’s life one small gesture at a time. You will know that you are when you see that person moving forward in his/her life, one way or another, positively!

All the best

Amigas4all angry princess what if last days of trouble

If This Was The Last Few Days of Your…..

If this was the last few day of your problems how would you see things? …. and I’m not amigas4all big picture angry princess sunsettalking here about the last days of your life or anything like that, rather just the last few days of those things that trouble you the most, work for example, or anything else that chronically hangs over your head. Would you go about with frenzied tunnel-vision regarding your current deadline or project? Or would you suddenly more easily be able to see the big picture?

Would your fears be compartmentalized rather than controlling you? Would you finally feel that you already achieved a satisfactory degree of your sought-after success and/or moneymigas4all todos santos big picture last days of trouble …i.e., enough that you would perceive your days going forward in a more ‘content’ way, to actually enjoy them? Would the heightened anxiety and blood pressure that you often walk around with ease up a bit? Indeed, how would you feel if this was the last few days of your troubles?

Would you really be able to feel it, feel the difference, your mind and your spirit relax, your foreboding and shifting fears dissipate? Could you feel something like the serenity of say, the Christmas season, with its magic as we knew it as a grade-school kid, or if Christmas has a less than wonderful connotation for you, perhaps the magic of the days as a child experiences them before the start of summer vacation?

amigas4all last days of trouble vacation

…..Why reach back that far? …because in our youth it seemed natural to snicker at the frantic pace and gravity we observed in adults, they seemed almost like they were in a different dimension, fretting and worrying about those things which seem, with a vengeance, to have become our default settings; a state of daily existence which deep down most of us are profoundly troubled by….

if so many of us did not already sense that we have taken a wrong turn with the way we lead life at some level we wouldn’t be thinking so much of how our fondest wish would be just to get away from it someday; we tell ourselves ‘a few more years of work, and I’ll cut back’, or ‘I’ll retire’, or ‘the kids will be through college’, or ‘the mortgage will be paid off’, or ‘we’ll finally pull the trigger on that vacation property’ or whatever other vision of respite or a better way that we pursue as our holy grail.

And yet we know this very morning, same as yesterday, that even as we try to think on this and put it into perspective, that our default setting, at least for today, remains today’s project or challenge, and by God, our system still needs to be on high alert and our blinders up to block the beauty of the world so that we can ‘concentrate on getting this done’. In knowing that we are still not feeling better despite our awareness of this bigger picture, we are tossing the hook to the top of the chasm hoping that it catches so we can climb out of the rat-race.

I’m sure there are a fortunate few who have already grasped their better way and love what they do and have no regrets, etc. But I am writing here for those of us that are in the trenches, the working men and women, trying to balance our responsibilities and survival with the spiritual big picture of our existence here. 

While the solution, the balance we seek, is probably on some spiritually enlightened level achievable ‘in the blink of an eye’ as they say, in reality it is a work in progress, a daily effort to reach out and remember to feel what’s truly important.

So this morning, as you are tempted to shut everything else out while you concentrate on completing your tasks, take a minute to reflect on the bigger picture, and feel it just for a moment, remind yourself that in many respects you have already ‘won’ and picture how you would feel and conduct the day if it was all going to end tomorrow.

Angry Princess, out!

ngry princess amigas4all image mag bay

A Surprising Tool to Help Restore you Daily Equilibrium: …Microseconds!

Most of us are super busy. The world is super busy, and more and more things these days happen at an accelerated rate that would astonish our forebears, some even say our very molecules are speeding up, taking us as a species to the next evolution. Computers, mobile phones, instant-connectedness in real-time.

amigas4all busy lives microseconds angry princess

All very amazing, …but how do you cope, how do you set your equilibrium each day to deal with another flurry of decisions, tasks and activity, while keeping your bearings? Well that’s certainly a challenge, and not an easy one, and it’s assuredly the case that a great many of us don’t do a great job of it, and may also feel like we are treading water when it comes to keeping a healthy mental and spiritual balance and remembering what is important about why we are here and that sort of thing.

amigas4all microseconds angry princess

The point is that it’s a fast world, and it’s getting faster, so how do we keep our bearings? ………..Think microseconds! More precisely, think in microseconds. ….Ok, what the heck does that mean? To start, the principle is actually not a new one; ancient text in Hinduism tells us of spiritual ‘Enlightenment’ (‘Nirvana’ in Buddhism) that people often spend years or a lifetime trying to achieve, and goes into quite a bit of detail on instructing us toward surmounting the many obstacles to achieving an ‘enlightened’ state, yet these kind of teachings also have told us in a nutshell that enlightenment is actually attainable in the blink of an eye; in other words, the requisite state of mind for achieving it is already there if we would just recognize and embrace it [Eastern religion enthusiasts, don’t skewer me here, I’m referencing a general concept].

Thus we have then some historical perspective to ‘thinking in microseconds’, ….but what else? Well here’s one example: It seems there are a few moments when we first awaken to each new day, and unless you’re snapping-to each morning to a bugle in the barracks with Sarge yelling at you to assemble, you probably have at least a couple of minutes after hitting the snooze button on your alarm where you are just lying there.

amigas4all microseconds my beach angry princessSo there you are, and you’re probably fresh off your dream thoughts, that state of mind (some call it the ‘hypnagogic state’), whatever you call it, where the weight of the coming day has not yet hit you. ……Reserve that couple of minutes for yourself; whatever crap may be coming your way that day and even in the next couple of minutes, claim that first minute or so for yourself, and identify at least that microsecond or instant, for one thing because maybe an instant is as long as it lasts for you on that morning, wherein you have a flash of remembrance of yourself and your purpose, and what’s truly important, even if that realization is quickly inundated by the waves of responsibility that are about to wash over you; but realize that even that daily swift fading of your inspiration tells you something remarkable; the very fact that you do feel frustrated that ‘nirvana’ this morning was seemingly just another transient flash, means that you do have that awareness of what is real and you are still striving for it deep down; that it’s absence is at all troubling to you, is actually a good sign.

But how do you capture more of it? … Well that’s a mystery of life and one of the challenges of your being here and seemingly alamigas4all microseconds capture the moment angry princessso a growing challenge for us as a species, and there should be satisfaction in your knowing that you are trying to work that out, and that with practice will probably get better at it. There are other moments in the day or week that will also undoubtably be inspiring, after all hope springs eternal. But also reflect on this, because it really is remarkable: by being here, you are a warrior in a remarkable time in our evolution, …we all are: there is a quickening, and I think we all sense it on some level, there are clues that time-space as we perceive it may be changing, we are all experiencing it, it’s ‘in our face’ so to speak in this dizzily accelerating world, some say we are evolving toward a different perception of time, and ‘time’ has been a concept which for eons has been perceived by the greatest spiritual and scientific minds as involving some level of illusion vis a vis our limited perception.

The microsecoamigas4all peace microseconds angry princessnd (‘the instant’) is maybe the smallest measure of our sense of the time-line. Remember that the concept of “In the blink of an eye” conveys to us that the goal was always there or is instantly attainable, all of which seems to shortcut your laborious progression along a time-line toward that goal. So when you capture that instant as you lay there each morning, I believe maybe you have captured much more: a step or steps toward the ‘timelessness’, that, beyond just delivering us from our frenetic selves, may be instrumental in embracing our evolving selves.

Angry Princess, out!

Angry Princess talks Mondays (King James version)

Looking upon the deeds of the men and women, his creations, God was displeased, and spoke unto them: “Even as the sun sets upon the revelry of thy “weekend” there shall arise in the east the grim spectre of Monday, and assuredly shalt thou know hardship and pain, and to your labors thou shalt wander in dread and despair.” ….and lo, above the din of vehicular traffic, upon the highways and biways, was heard among the people a great lamentation and a gnashing of teeth.   Then God looked with pity upon His people, and ever a merciful God, He declared: “So that thou may find solace and hope throughout the darkest winter, and so that all shalt know that I am the Lord, I grant unto thee “Monday Night Football.”   Then the heart of each man was lifted thereby and knew gladness.  But in this selfsame hour arose a mournful discord, bourne upon the wind even unto the heavens, as the women with a single voice cried: “….Lord how have we have offended thee that thou dost increase our suffering?”

A long time ago you slept the sleep of the assured…..

sonooo……when you were closer in time to your introduction (or reintroduction) to this world. Whether you knew it or not you had something like a divine awareness and hence you slept the sleep of the assurance of yourself in the proper order of things, that everything had a rightness and a comfort therein, that things were well and were meant to be so, and you knew little of the divergence yet to come. Those days of assurance (which was also the beginning of a divergence from that ideal) might have been so long ago that you were then a child, a teen, or if you were lucky, perhaps you still retained some sense of it even into some portion of your years as a young adult.

So what has happened in the years since then? You began to know more of and learn more about this world, not just the new and different, but increasingly the sameness of the world: of earning a living, of gaining and losing, of repetition, and crucially of the notion of a near daily quest to gain or regain that which you were taught to believe is now missing. This repetition of the mundane is an aspect of basic survival, which for many of us, also includes ambition, from which came about the divergence from, and for some of us the actual separation from, that which we formerly knew was blissfully whole (you slept well at night!). This separation is reflected in a multitude of things as we have come to live them; in the protracted and burdensome constructs of survival and ambition ….on the one hand a person is fortunate to have a mortgage and retirement plan, on the other hand things of that sort just by their nature tend to relegate ‘security’ to a never-ending series of incremental trials …for instance, “can I make the mortgage payment next month?”

When you knew in the promise of your youth that all was fundamentally right, you slept the sleep of the assured even while in waking you were increasingly taught to believe through the years of mortal joy and sadness, of loss and toil and its repetition, that you were only chasing a dream. And in the sameness of repetition, the world has formalized this divergence, whole industries and catch-words have grown around it …. e.g., ‘anxiety’, ‘depression’ , ‘the holiday blues’.

So what to take from today’s repetition, and what to make of tomorrow’s and the next days’? We are already hauntingly aware of the memory of the long ago assurance we once knew; …….so for today, for just a singular moment before you breathe and walk and talk the repetition, remind yourself your assurance is complete and you were already living it before you were taught to believe it is only an idealized or fleetingly elusive dream for you to chase. You have been living correctly all along in all things that essentially matter, you just stopped believing it over time.

For today, know and believe in the never-ending light of assurance; that it always was and is, ….and do that before you begin today’s litany of repetition.

As for tomorrow and the next day: …because the world is always changing and so are you, visualize instead a not too distant future in which you look back and know that in the unfolding of yesterday (which in the present is today) all was well even when it was not, and that you could have and should have slept the sleep of the assured.

the larger view finding peace amid chaos

The Larger View

A nameless rage….a rage that pops up when you think of people taking advantage of you, or life being unfair to you, even the universe being unfair to you, such as yet one more thing breaking at your house. 

Or where you imagine scenarios of people taking advantage of you that haven’t even happened yet.   What do you do with it?   ….we can dissect that for hours, but remember this: remember also those times where you felt that rage but then something good or pleasant unexpectedly happened.  

Maybe you learned something sympathetic about some person who was causing your anger, or any number of other sudden changes that somehow flipped a switch where all of a sudden you saw a larger view of everything.

Mind your Thoughts and Control your Anger

I’m not advocating counting to ten or that sort of thing, we all feel the rage, and it seems some small measure of it might even be useful, after all nobody wants to be anyone’s doormat, and that anger might help you assert or defend yourself, provided it doesn’t run away with you, ….careful!

The point is, in the larger view of possibilities, rage melts away. 

The larger view of all that is possible can be called hope, and hope springs eternal, and rage withers before the eternal.  Too far fetched?

…maybe not: think back to a time where some enraged anger that had you in its grip disappeared when you learned new information or found something out.

I hope these words will bring you peace. In the meantime, Follow us on Facebook and  Pinterest for updates and snippets of wisdom.

Always zen,

 

 


The Angry Princess welcomes you


Let me start by explaining that the full name of these hopefully frequent discourses should probably be “Angry Princess, Beyond the Rant”, or some such thing, because what I really want to share with you are those inspirational perspectives (my version at least) of those more rewarding ways of looking at life, …let’s call it “the large view”   So this is more in the way of  insights (if not solutions) rather than another rant about life’s problems, but if I do lapse into a rant, that I am also at least exploring the greater meaning!

Indeed, many observations I will share may be rooted in ‘life’s anger’, which is part of the reason for the ‘Angry Princess’ name (more about that later), but I expect a fair number of my insights will have begun in a place of that ordinary often uninspired perspective to which folks are often limited simply by our human nature and the challenges and distractions of everyday life.

Occasionally I may diverge, but the goal here is insight beyond that ordinary and limited perception where ‘the veil’ (as I like to call it) covers ‘the magnificent’ (again, as I like to think of it) with the result that so many folks, me included, only get those elusive fleeting glimpses, those inspirations that keep us wondering and searching.

We are all restless in a way, …not for more anger of course ….what we all cherish is inspiration and exuberance!  Those treasured moments, like a break in the clouds, the extraordinary view.   We all work hard, and have our cares and worries, so what are the possibilities of life beyond this ‘veil’ that covers the ‘larger view’? …and most of all, what inspires us to see those possibilities?

There’s no way everyone sees or will see things the same way I do of course (a very good thing!), and so I leave you for now with the thought that my wish and hope is that what I express here as time goes by might resonate with some of you, and maybe in turn I get to hear some of your inspirations.

Angry Princess out!